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I had learned that I was undesirable to almost everyone. In the cruel calculus of dating and relationships, our numbers didn’t match.īut it wasn’t just him. His thinness alone earned him a much higher standing.
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Everywhere I looked, bodies were openly critiqued and ranked, and mine steadily landed near the bottom of the scale - 2, 3, 4.
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We were dating at the height of popularity of sites like Hot or Not and TV shows like The Swan. How could he love me if it meant loving this?ĭespite having what was described as a “very pretty face,” I was constantly reminded that my body was impossible to want.
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My risk-taking resolution ebbed from my broad, soft body. Because this was uncharted territory, I assumed it was also unexplored. I had never seen fat women who asserted themselves, whose partners respected them. For me, my body isn’t good or bad it just is.īut I had never seen a fat woman in love - not in life, not in the media. I do not lie awake at night, longing for a thinner body or some life that lies 100 pounds out of reach. I do not struggle with self-esteem or negative body image. At my high school graduation, I wore a red wrap top in the highest size I could find at the time-a women’s 24.įor me, the size of my body is a simple fact. Three years ago, I weighed just over 400 pounds and wore a size 30 or 32, depending on the cut of the clothing. My body mass index (BMI) describes my body as “super morbidly obese” or “extremely obese.” Although my body is not the fattest in existence, it is the fattest the BMI can fathom. As I write this, I weigh 342 pounds and wear a women’s size 26.
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Not chubby or fluffy or husky or curvy - fat. Someone easier, prettier, cooler, and, of course, someone thinner. This beautiful life belonged to someone else, and he deserved someone better. I started researching jobs, and he started looking for apartments.īut every time I imagined our future, I couldn’t imagine myself. We would lie together in his tiny bed and daydream of my postgraduation move to Boston. Over time our Boston rendezvous turned into weekends at his apartment. I figure if I keep looking at them, I’ll start to believe it. He put the letters up around his bedroom mirror. I wrote back on thick paper, sometimes sprayed with perfume. His love letters landed like a blow, knocking the wind out of me. He wrote me letters nearly every day, and I responded like clockwork. We lived two states away from each other and on the weekends would meet in the middle in Boston, spending long days together. He had started testosterone shortly before we met, and the double-exposed photos seemed to show his body as a specter as the hormones took root. Haunting photographs hung on the walls, a ghostly kind of self-portrait of his changing body. But he chose me, and if I hadn't messaged him online randomly we'd have never met, so you need to get out there meeting people on and offline.My first love went to art school, and early in our courtship he invited me to a student show of his photography. But it did and it still surprises me every day, as he could literally have anyone let me put it that way :). Seriously if someone said 10 years ago I'd be in the relationship with the man I go out with then I'd have laughed and said it would never have happened. Being big does carry health risks and I want to live a while :).īut men will like you no matter what size you were. I will admit though my weight comes and goes I was down to 95 last year but I kinda put on some weight and I'm back up there in the last few months so in the new year time to get back and lose a few pounds for health reasons really. Being confident and owning who you are is often times more important.ĭon't change for others because you think you have to. It's also not necessarily the weight that's holding you back but the way you hold and view yourself. Before that I kind of just wasn't interested in anything, but then I met a guy online and it opened a whole new world to me as it were and opened my eyes. Some quicker than others.Īs a larger man myself I only really came out when I was 25 as such when I realised that yes there are men interested in larger men. Fat shaming in the gay community is terrible though and especially when people are just coming out I'd say 16-25 yes you're in a bad age range, but people grow up and learn about themselves. I also recommend growlr, just because it sounds like you need a bit of a confidence boost too and to realise there are men who also find you attractive just like there are women too.